This is probably the longest post I will ever type, but I need to get it all out else I will go insane.
Where should I start? Our friendship, right now it feels like we’re playing a broken record and all that we’re living in are beautiful memories of the past, when things weren’t so complicated, when we weren’t so complicated. And yet (though you couldn’t remember) we weren’t all that close either. Just as we do today because both of us are so headstrong. We believe in different principles and insist on them, and even though either one finally gives in, I always feel dissent bubbling under the surface, like a tipping point that we always come so close to breaching.
Since we were 13, I could already feel us drifting apart, two sides of a tectonic plate moving in opposite directions. Gradually, irreversible, unstoppable. I don’t even know honestly if I’ve tried to save it because, yes, I’ve been such a bitchy person sometimes, and my faults are numerous. What else could I have done? What ought I not have done? Sometimes when I felt like I tried to save it, you made me feel like a fool, for fighting for a person not worth my fight.
Recently all I can think of is how self-destructive this friendship is. We’re eating away at every last bit of string attaching us together because we’re just grown so different that nothing can change us to suit the other. On the surface, we’re the same, and yet our way of life is so distinctly, immeasurably different. I really hate some of your actions but for the sake of us, I always bite down what I want to say.
Have you ever noticed how we’ve never really fought openly? Or maybe it’s because we’ve never really patched up. I wish we had this major fight/cold-shoulder treatment/ bitchy business so that we could see how stupid we were and then hug and make up. Then end of story. But no, each little argument just carries itself forward and adds up till at the end of the day both of us are unhappy. And it just gets deeper, like picking on a scar such that it never heals.
This is a roller coaster ride. Happy times with you are ecstasy, and really, there were moments when I felt that I was the luckiest girl in the world to have such a wonderful friend. But bad times plunge me into the abysses of emotional turmoil and overwhelm all the good memories. I’ve thought about the kind of person I would have been, the kind of life I would lead, if I had not met you. More often than not I conclude I wouldn’t be missing out on anything.
I’m just tired. I need to get a break away from you, and all the shit between us. But for some reason, I know that I’ll just come back to what I’ve left behind. Like going home.